At the clinic, everyone asked how his wife was doing. David understood why. Her body had carried the medications, the procedures, the waiting, and the loss. He answered each question carefully. “She is taking it hard.” “I am watching her.” “We are getting through it.” No one asked what happened inside him when the nurse said there was no heartbeat.
Many men learn to perform grief as logistics. They drive, research, pay, schedule, reassure, and stand near the pain without naming their own. That role can look strong from the outside while becoming lonely on the inside. Research shows that infertility can affect the psychological well-being of both women and men, even when their reactions or reported levels of distress differ (Khorasani et al., 2025). Difference should not be mistaken for absence.
Quiet grief may appear as irritability, overworking, emotional numbness, sexual withdrawal, relentless problem-solving, or avoiding fertility conversations. These reactions do not prove a person does not care. Sometimes they are attempts to maintain control when the future feels painfully uncontrollable.
A useful first step is to replace “I have to be strong” with a more complete sentence: “I can support my partner and tell the truth about what this is doing to me.” Try naming the loss without comparison. “I miss the future I pictured.” “I feel helpless.” “I am angry that our lives revolve around test results.” Specific language gives grief somewhere to land.
Couples can also create a ten-minute fertility check-in. Each person answers three questions: What is hardest today? What kind of support would help? Do you want listening, comfort, information, or problem-solving? The last question matters. A partner who wants presence may not appreciate a surprise spreadsheet titled Operation Hope 4.0, however impressive the color coding.
Support can come from a trusted friend, faith leader, peer group, or mental health professional who understands fertility concerns. ASRM recognizes counseling and psychoeducational support as important resources for individuals and couples navigating fertility problems and assisted reproduction (American Society for Reproductive Medicine, 2021). Seeking help is not an admission that you are failing the journey. It is a refusal to carry the whole journey alone.
Tellumind’s fertility content is shaped with compassion for couples living through uncertainty and loss. This article is educational and does not replace medical or mental health care. Today, choose one honest sentence and share it with a safe person. If you and your partner need a structured conversation space, connect with Tellumind or ask your fertility clinic for a qualified fertility counselor.
References
American Society for Reproductive Medicine. (2021). Guidance on qualifications for fertility counselors: A committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility, 115(6), 1411–1415. https://www.asrm.org/practice-guidance/practice-committee-documents/guidance-on-qualifications-for-fertility-counselors-a-committee-opinion-2021/
Khorasani, F., Iranifard, E., & Latifnejad Roudsari, R. (2025). Gender differences in psychological status of infertile couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Public Health, 25, 2131. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-025-23314-x
